Closeted Confusion

nobody@vox.com(James) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 16:14:54 -0700

Do you know what the suckiest part of it all is? Reality. It sucks. That is strong for some - weak for others - but truthfully enough, it sucks. Reality is absolute. I'm not going into the hot topic of 'absolute truth', just skimming over the top of part of it - the absolutivity. Check this out:

ab·so·lute / [ab-suh-loot]

–adjective

1.	free from imperfection; complete; perfect: absolute liberty

So many times I try to convince myself that reality is relative - especially in my life. Do you ever continue to tell people things about yourself that are not exactly true, but are to some extent? Often times this is done when we think reality can change just because we say it out lound. Like "I'm going to do better this time" or "I'm doing 'fine'" or even "I'm not gay." Maybe in an effort to make yourself sound better/worse than we really are or even out of a fear that they might not enjoy our presence we twist things up a bit. I struggle with this. It's called lying. Actually, it's more easily swallowed when pronounced stretch-of-truth. This is just personal, I'm sure no one else does this, but sometimes I will get an amazing feeling of fear over me and think that if I do not gain this person's acceptance, then there is no reason for my existence in this situation. If that's the case, why not just walk away? Guess cause I've done it this way, it's worked 'til now... only I feel different afterwards. Basically, to keep myself from setting up another opportunity to pass up being honest - I dont always present myself the same everywhere. I'm working on it. It's difficult for me. It's everything I can do to submit this blog entry. But I am - it's a step in the right direction. Explanations aside, what I have been doing for the past year is working - I am going with that whole-heartedly. Dont know exactly how it's all coming together with my set backs and uncooperation at times, but it is. Thank God for TRUTH and TOLERANCE - I am still being tolerated.

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Closeted Confusion